It’s that very special time of the year when many Americans are receiving
invitations to their annual office holiday party. If you’re one of them, you’ll
probably look forward to the event with great excitement—until you start to
recall the blunders of years past. Like the time you ran out of things to say to
your CEO and awkwardly asked if his divorce was finalized.
Yes, while
office holiday parties can be hit or miss, many people find their past
experiences fall more often in the “miss” category. Of course, it doesn’t have
to be that way, says Andrew Sobel, coauthor along with Jerold Panas of
Power
Questions: Build Relationships, Win New Business, and Influence Others. He
explains that with the right approach, your office holiday party can provide a
great opportunity to build relationships and strengthen your position at your
company.
“At the office holiday party, new relationships can be formed
but they can also be ruined before they even have a chance to blossom,” says
Sobel. “Old relationships can be nourished and celebrated, or they can be
compromised and endangered. You can leave feeling great.
“The first is
not drinking too much. Alcohol makes your inhibitions and common sense come
tumbling down, and it vastly increases the chance that you will say or do
something that’s at best silly or at worst truly regrettable. Second, don’t
worry about being smart or clever—go prepared to ask thoughtful questions. Lots
of them. The way to endear yourself to colleagues—and to get noticed by senior
management—isn’t to talk more about yourself and your plans; it’s to ask
engaging and inspiring questions.”
Sobel shows in his book, the most
underutilized strategy for building relationships, getting to know others more
deeply, and exercising influence is asking what he calls power questions. These
are questions that get to the heart of the issue. They help you engage with
others more deeply. They uncover people’s passions. They give people new
perspectives on their challenges. Power questions, at the most basic level,
enable you to get to know others more deeply and ensure that you’re talking
about meaningful issues.
“When you use power questions, you can really
make your office holiday party—or any party you attend over the holiday
season—count,” says Sobel. “You don’t have to dread the event and then head
straight for the bar for some liquid courage when you arrive. If you think about
power questions beforehand, you can go in feeling confident and prepared. And
you’ll come away having really used that time to your advantage. You will have
engaged your leaders and coworkers, and I think you’ll find that you’ve
strengthened valuable relationships.”
If you want to connect more
effectively with colleagues, deepen your existing relationships, and stick to
the straight-and-narrow to stay out of trouble at your upcoming office holiday
party, read on for a few power questions to help you
out:
Questions about work. Don’t spend your time
gossiping about coworkers and what’s been happening at the office. Instead, ask
thought-provoking questions about how your colleagues feel about and experience
their work. A few options:
1. What was your best day and worst day at
work during this past year?
2. What was the most fulfilling experience
you had this year?
3. What do you think is the best part of working
here? The worst part?
4. What’s the most challenging part of your
job?
5. How did you get your start? (This is an especially good question
to ask your boss or a senior leader in your organization. It’s a simple but
powerful way to draw someone out).
Questions about goals and
challenges. If the foundation of relationships is trust, the engine
that moves them forward is helping others reach their goals and confront their
most challenging issues. You can do this, however, only if you understand what
the other person’s needs are. So ask questions like:
6. So what’s on your
agenda in your work for next year? Any particular projects or initiatives you’re
focused on?
7. If you suddenly had a couple of extra hours per week
outside of work, how would you spend them?
Questions about others’ passions.
We have many activities going on in our lives, but usually we each harbor just a
few true passions. If you can discover someone else’s passions, you’ll be able
to connect much more effectively. Here’s how to do it:
8. Tell me about
your favorites. What’s your favorite movie of all time? Favorite restaurant?
Favorite book you’ve read in the last couple of years? Favorite way to relax?
9. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but have never been
able to get around to it? A sport, a hobby, an event, a challenge, a trip,
whatever?
10. As you think about next year, what are you most excited
about—at work or at home?
11. What’s been the most gratifying experience
you’ve had this year?
Questions to learn more about them as
people. Ask people about themselves. The more you learn about them, the
more you may find in common, and the more you’ll understand what makes them
tick.
12. So, when you’re not shaking things up at the office, how do
you like to spend your time?
13. When you were younger, how did your
family spend the holidays? What are your plans this year?
14. If you
hadn’t gone into (business, law, banking, medicine, teaching, etc.), what do you
think you might have done?
15. Where did you grow up? What was that like?
“Of course,” notes Sobel, “there are also questions you shouldn’t ask
and things you shouldn’t say. And it can never hurt to go over what not to say
before heading out for your party.”
Here’s a sampler of the most
important ones:
Appearances. “Unless you know the other
person very well, do not make remarks or give compliments to a member of the
opposite sex about their appearance or dress,” cautions Sobel. “It’s not
appropriate and it could be either misleading or at some level offensive.
Compliment them instead on their abilities and accomplishments.
Period.”
Intimate Details. “Don’t ask someone who isn’t
a pretty close friend about intimate personal details,” says Sobel. “A general
question like ‘Do you have a family?’ is okay, but not questions about
girlfriends or boyfriends, divorce, dating, romance, and so on. You get the
idea. Everyone has slightly different tolerances and comfort around going into
subjects like this, and you need to err on the side of
caution.”
Tipsy Revelations. “Don’t have a few drinks
and then confront someone abruptly with your pent-up emotions,” advises Sobel.
“For example, don’t say, ‘You know, I just feel like you don’t like me very
much!’ or, ‘I want to be your friend.’ At best it might be cute, but most likely
it’ll be embarrassing for both of you.”
Light of Day.
“Always apply the ‘light of day’ test to your behavior,” says Sobel. “If someone
reported your conversation and behavior the next day to your boss, your family,
or a client, would you be embarrassed in any way? How would they feel about
pictures or videos of those moments if they were posted on
Facebook?”
“For many people, the holiday office party can bring with it
more anxiety and dread than good cheer,” says Sobel. “And there is really just
no need for that. When you arrive with a few power questions ready to go, you
can make the event not only enjoyable but you can turn it into a valuable
relationship-building night that could benefit you for a long time to
come.”
Andrew Sobel is a widely published author on client loyalty
and the capabilities required to build trusted business relationships.